A Philosophical Rant/ Crazy Unintelligble Charlotte Thought Process

I should be revising like mad right now, having not stuck to my timetable at all this week. However, I have just got back from seeing 'Angles and Demons' at the cinema, and after seeing something like that, it is impossible to return to Earth immediately.

I don't go to the cinema a lot- it's hard to find the time (and the money: it cost me £6.90... add on the little tub of ice cream... not the cheapest three hours...) but when I do, I always enjoy it, quite often (although not always) even if the film is rubbish, because it takes you away from your own world.

But sometimes there are films that just blow you away, and 'Angels and Demons', for me, is certainly one of them.

I read the book about three or four years ago now, and loved it. I always believe that films are never as good as books, but this may be an exception to the rule. There were a few changes, but they were done for the better- if it had remained exactly the same I think that the film would have dragged on too long, and that is never a good thing.

The reason it affected me so much is not just because it was a good film. In fact it's not really anything to do with the film itself. The film is absolutely fantastic, but the reason that I am still thinking it over a few hours later is more personal.

I am very open about my hatred of Science and Maths, and in fact School in general. But it wasn't always like that. In fact, two years ago, if you had told me that I had to move schools, or that I had to leave school altogether, I would have done anything and everything to stay. And I would have cried and screamed a bit too.

In fact, and I know that this sounds weird, but when I wasn't at school, I was depressed and longed to go back. And when I was at home, I would sit at the computer or use books to research learn random things such as different languages and long lost alphabets and everything about an ancient civilisation. And I would properly research and learn and absorb this knowledge- all of this Science, Maths, and History.

Present day: I still sit at a computer, but trying to put off working, dreading going back to school, and researching things about actors and musicals and films and other drama-related things.

Seeing the film reminded me of the time I read the book, during the time when I craved knowledge. What changed? What happened to me? The film/book, and others like it, shows how interesting all of this science and history can be. If I had stuck with it at school, then I could carry it on and enjoy it. But I don't understand all of these complicated things. There was a time when I could have understood, but I have become too lazy, and like to procrastinate too much, and haven't paid attention in lessons. I now hate it.

I don't understand this world, as I'm sure no one does, but up to the age of 14 I always wanted to discover more about it. I wanted to understand how things worked. I wanted to know about things beyond this world- out in space. Now I am more focused on escaping this world. My world. I am going to take A Levels in English Language, French, Philosophy and Theatre Studies. Whilst it could be argued that Philosophy is trying to understnad the world, the other subjects are trying to get away from it- English in its creative writing, French in that it is so different from my own language and culture, and Theatre Studies to get away from myself.

I don't know what made me think of all this. To be honest I'm just typing as I think it. And I don't know why I am typing it. Or what to conclude from it.

I guess I am mourning a Charlotte past. Even though, oddly enough, I am constantly trying to escape my past.

I don't know what else to say. My brain has just imploded.

And that's why I could never be a scientist. No one wants a scientist who's brain implodes at the slightest complexity.

I need some thinking time...